heyfunniest:

All the other kids with the pumped up kicks you’d better zip, better zop, beep boopity bop.

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messycupcake:

I shouldnt let the people saying I’m a bad mom get to me. I know I’m a good mom it just hurts to have people saying this just to bring me down. Dont worry though…. When we get a place of our own you’ll see from afar. Its not like I’m gonna let you in my daughters life after all you’ve done is try to tear us down. You’ll see.

who is this about?

It’s been a little while since I’ve posted anything that I haven’t drawn, or reblogged.

A personal thing, I guess, with words not written on a sheet of scanned paper.

I’m feeling a little… More or less overwhelmed right now. People have told me that I look like I’m starting to slip, and that I need some help. Well, bitches, if you think I need so damn much help, why don’t you lend a hand?

Because I have a difficult time asking for help, let alone someone approaching me, asking me if I’d appreciate some. 

I’m starting to feel a little less than stable these days and I feel like everyone is out to get me, which I know is untrue. I came back early from Myrtle Beach because no one was calling me back, and I had no one I could really hang out with or talk to. 

I’ve been talking to Brian again, in a different way than I ever really have. I know he and I have this bond, and we both recognize it. I went over to his house the other night, initially to get some chicken (because who doesn’t want chicken?) and it turned into us talking about everything. It was nice, it really was. He apologized to my face about a lot of things that he did, and the way he made me feel. It was… Strange to hear him apologize like that. I started telling him about all my issues with my family right now, and how alone I feel being a family oriented person and all. I couldn’t help but fall to pieces and crying on his bed. He was sitting in his computer chair, and all he did was look at me. I tried not to cry, and that was difficult. He told me as I was leaving that I looked as though I was falling apart, which made me feel defensive for a minute.

But when I walked back home, I just… I felt like I looked depressed. I clearly am because any time someone asks me how I’m doing, I feel a sinking ball in the pit of my stomach, telling me “you feel dreadful, go see Marquis” but I never say it out loud. How could I? To my own brother, my emotions are nothing. I am not allowed to feel while my dad is sick and my mom is going crazy. My mom is picking on me, insulting me, making me feel terrible about myself. It’s insane and I hate it. She’s not my mom, she hasn’t been my mom for so long. Of course, explaining that to Matthew is like… Explaining it to a nerd with a neckbeard that their favorite series of TV is shit because of the quality, not the writing. It’s almost impossible to win, even though no one can actually argue against emotions. 

I feel extremely run down lately though - as if anything I do just presses on my mom’s crazy nerve and sends her flying into this fucked up world of panic. If I try to inform her of what’s going on in my life (because she ASKS) she whips around and acts like she’s listening, but being her daughter I can tell she isn’t. It sucks. Shouldn’t a mother CARE about her daughter? Adopted or not, doesn’t it count? I’m not so sure anymore. 

While I was in MB, Zack and I found five kittens during a storm. They were covered in fleas! Soaking wet, and pretty much just alone kittens. We searched for the mom, but she never came about. So I got flea shampoo, which didn’t work. RJ mentioned to me that lemon joy does the trick, almost instantly kills em, so we bought some and tried it. It worked! I picked every dead flea off of those babies, and after they were flea free, I snuggled them every day. We put them on craigslist and they were going rather fast. Everyone wanted Tiger, the multi-colored one, but we gave him to a good home. The last kitten was given away the day before we left, and it was a sad day for me. I no longer had something that depended on me for life or food, or love. I decided to call my mom and let her know what was going on. Instead of a little loving shove, I got a hardcore push into a giant pit of insults.

“WELL, maybe it was something you were doing?” and other such things. All I needed was to hear “well you tried, and that’s good” and “I’m glad you were willing to take in abandoned cats, love them, bathe them, pick of each and every flea with your fingers one by one. I’m glad you got them good and loving homes” just something, anything positive.

I got nothing.

I called Matthew to be the mediator. I just needed to hear that she wasn’t picking on me, and he couldn’t say it. Instead, he tells me to be grateful that my parents took care of me and pay for my shit. As if that is ALL a child needs from their parents. He belittled my issues, my developed eating disorder (my dad caused), and basically made me feel guilty for having any kind of feelings. I blew up. I’d had enough. I broke down crying. I couldn’t believe it. I screamed on the phone and he hung up on me.

Right now, I feel as though my parents don’t want or need me around, and I feel it isn’t right. My wedding is in three months and my mom seems to just not care.. She’s not excited, she’s not giving me ideas like she is to Anna (Matthew’s fiance - they are getting married in a month), and I feel alone and worthless yet again. Like my one marriage isn’t going to be as good or as fulfilling as Matthew and Anna’s, and despite the fact that they have been together longer, shouldn’t she still be excited for mine? 

Nope.

I’m just that useless individual, who is being “too sensitive” and “selfish towards mom’s feelings” to be allowed to feel anything.

Fuck this.